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infinite yuppie experience

I feel alone. [07 Oct 2009|12:18am]
Even though I'm surrounded by so many people lately.

btw- I need an update from all of the people on here that I lost contact with.

infinite yuppie experience

..... [27 Jul 2008|04:42pm]
i keep looking at pictures of him.
i love him.

but it'll never work out.

infinite yuppie experience

Battle of the Bands! [in calecia] Calecia chronicle [16 Feb 2008|05:37pm]
[ mood | refreshed ]

[Just because I support local talent yo]

The night showcased four local bands, most of which played rock music. Although with “Broadcasting Sirens”, the winning band, the crowd experienced rock music with an intriguing and industrial mix. Other bands like “Terashi”, the opening act for the night, offered a more familiar and commercial Nu-metal sound. Likewise spectators enjoyed the “thrashy” beats of local Thrash Metal band, “TrendKill”.

One of the bands that while didn’t take the title of the bands did manage to get the kids extremely involved with their charisma and frisky performance. The charismatic trio, "Ellipsis", won the congeniality award by far, and their music best described as Pop-punk, with a dash of Rock en Español added to the concoction, was also great.

With 15 minute intermissions in between each band, kids were able to mingle outside and buy refreshments and listen to more tunes from “DJ Tubs”, as if the music inside wasn’t enough. And as intended, the event turned out to be very family-oriented, and yet didn’t discourage heavy eyeliner-wearing adolescents to show up. It was clearly an event of diversity.

Anticipation begun to build up after the penultimate band, and the crowd eagerly awaited and wondered if the final band would be up to par with the preceding bands.

After a short intermission the talented quartet commenced their dynamic and flawlessly executed set of tracks as red and green lights blinded the crowd and synthesized music saturated the room. A real party atmosphere pervaded Rodney and the crowd responded to the music immediately, some already long time fans while others were just instantly drawn to the music.

“Broadcasting Sirens” has fostered a distinctive sound; an energetic, sometimes gloomy hybrid of Electronic music and New Wave, and perhaps this is why long time fans like Penny Ramirez are completely faithful that the band will have a successful out coming, “They’re something new, unlike anything here in the Valley”, mentioned Ramirez, who has been following the band since its beginnings and has been anticipating their resurgence after a temporary cessation of 2 years.

The whole New Wave-Esque 80’s resurrection really enticed the crowds and clearly the judges. People were blown away especially older spectators in the audience who got a retrospective glimpse by listening to the band. The night ended with an encore of a crowd-favorite, “Masquerade”, an original by the winning band.

Myspaces of 3 bands;

lily veloz

yuppie experience

[06 Jan 2008|09:50pm]
I have to let go of my current boyfriend. all he does is hurt me now.

infinite yuppie experience

[12 Dec 2007|05:25am]
just turned 21 today... im about to freak out.

not in a good way.

yuppie experience

Scared of settling. [10 Sep 2007|01:00am]
In about a month I have to apply to wherever I plan on going. I'm considering ucla because if I go to ucsd I'll probably want to stay in the valley and commute. It's so much more convenient for me. I know that if I settle for something really close to home (ucsd) I'll most likely stay in the valley, and I don't want to stay.

I want to get out. I keep wondering what's going to happen to David and I if I do leave to la, but as much I'm trying to make that my concern I just can't seem to make it. I still love him, but I guess I'm prioritizing myself... I'm not sure if that's good or bad. More good than bad I suppose.

Life is uncertain. I'm a wreck, temporarily I hope. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just apply to both and see which one accepts me first, good plan?

i've been wanting to watch a good flick, any good movies out there?

yuppie experience

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. [20 Aug 2007|01:52am]
once we're dead ... our only chances of immortality are living through memories... in dreams... of those who loved us. paperwork and old photographs lingering around through time. stories.

it makes me sad, but the realization of wanting to keep every memory possible dawned on me at the end of the film. i want to keep them. everything. every one of them. regardless of how much i shun them at times, and wish them away.
which is why i spent all my evening reading through old emails and reminiscing. going through photographs. it was beautiful. i arranged a soundtrack of the most memorable songs we shared, and as it played the images and the emails consumed my entire evening.

i realized i need the pain...

people have to accept each other's flaws ... instead of denying them and somehow thinking that they'll go away.

yuppie experience

science of sleep... [15 Aug 2007|05:04pm]
I downloaded Science of Sleep, and I can't help but wonder if Stéphane is schizophrenic.

So Gondry uses "realismo magico", i really like those movies. I was lost until I realized that we're watching the movie through Gael's eyes... I still don't think that the transitions from the real world and the magical slumber world of Stephane were smooth though, but i really did enjoy it. Just like I enjoyed Pan's Labyrinth, and I have to admit that I cried with the ending scene as well as with Pan's Labyrinth. In fact they're very similar... in structure in my view atleast.

I also can't help but relate to this quirky character, Stephane. I act so odd at times, and I often find people in my surroundings trying to make things easier for me. I guess we can't all pretend and conform to normalcy. I do lack social and interaction skills most of the time, and many people in my life have been bothered by that. i dont mind being socially retarded all that much, anymore.

im not sure how gondry tries to portray this character... but i like him... a lot:)

so is the movie appreciative of artsy and unorthodox individuals (and in many ways retarded)... or is it a melancholic view of how pathetic they seem when compared to everyone else, and just a sad realization of how bad they have it? or maybe that's not the point at all hah. maybe im just going on a trip.

class starts monday...

infinite yuppie experience

España ? [10 Aug 2007|03:10pm]
mmm i hope i am able to get into that internship program after the B.A.
i think spain will be marvelous but maybe ill just find out that everywheres the same. but next summer sd. nothing new i suppose. hum.

Sometimes ... life is okei, well really nice actually.

no romance, and i enjoy it.

i often wonder if romance is just nice in literature and film?

but more than all... why does the reflection of the sun blending and spreading peacefully in the surface of the ocean appeal so much to me??

ehm i want to go the beach:)

I miss the beach, but above all I miss the olden days when I was a child... well some parts of it anyway....

infinite yuppie experience

Un final. [30 Jul 2007|12:25pm]
Después de tantos corajes, decepciones,y sentimientos estropeados finalmente cierro este capítulo.

Amas, te corresponden y es hermoso. Pero nada es para siempre. todo se acaba, y eso duele. pero la vida duele... las experiencias duelen, y no hay nada que el tiempo no cure.

Creo que estoy conforme. Tengo demasiado en mi horizonte y me motiva.

Me dijo que me mirara en el espejo y ese ultimo día hice tal como me dijo,
no es la persona que yo quiero ser.
Tengo que reencontrarme, escarbar profundamente, ser selectiva y descartar lo innecesario, lo dañino.

un día te encuentras en tus rodillas rogando como perro
conformándote con las sobras de los demás.
y no sabes ni como chingados llegaste a eso, como bajaste a ese nivel tan bajo.

Puedo decirles una cosa por los que han muerto de amor,
por los enfermos de esperanza,
por los que han acabado sus días y aún andan por las
con una mirada inequívoca en los ojos
y con el corazón en las manos ofreciéndolo a nadie.
Por ellos, y por los cansados que mueren lentamente en
y no hablan, y tienen sucio el cuerpo, altaneros del
odiadores que pagan con moneda de amor.
por éstos y los otros, por todos los que se han metido las
debajo de las costillas
y han buscado hacia arriba esa palabra, ese rostro,
y sólo han encontrado peces de sangre, arena....
Puedo decirles una cosa que no será silencio,
que no ha de ser soledad,
que no conocerá ni locura ni muerte.
Una cosa está en los labios de los niños,
que madura en la boca de los ancianos,
débil como la fruta en la rama,
codiciosa como el viento:

Puedo decirles también
que no hagan caso de lo que yo les diga.
El fruto asciende por el tallo, sufre la flor y llega al aire.
Nadie podrá prestarme su vida.
Hay que saber, no obstante,
que los ríos todos nacen del mar.

infinite yuppie experience

feelings first, wisdom and thought secondary. [27 Jun 2007|09:14am]
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
;will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all the flowers. Don’t cry
-the best gesture of my brain is less than
;your eyelids’ flutter which says

we are for each other:then
laugh,leaning back into my arms
and life’s not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

infinite yuppie experience

[24 May 2007|11:02pm]
Suppose I say summer,
write the word "hummingbird,"
put it in an envelope,
take it down the hill
to the box. When you open
my letter you will recall
those days and how much,
just how much, I love you.


Sometimes when we were kissing I used to think that covering each other's mouths with our own would make us breathe at the same time, and for that second we could be one person and then we wouldnt be alone, I dont know if I think things like that anymore anymore.

recently I've been remembering old thoughts. I don't know why, I think maybe it's because I'm in a very uncertain stage in my life.

I still remember what he tastes like, feels like, and all those pictures that lie around just wont allow me to move on.

There is a constant battle, and I usually find myself engaged in struggles. I dont want to move on, like a child, I'm standing still, stagnant. But then some of my actions, feelings suggest otherwise;
before when I closed my eyes, I would get a vivid visualization of his face, it's slowly fading away and it's fragmented, it scares me. i dont want to forget him.

yuppie experience

[19 Dec 2006|05:45am]
SABRÁS que no te amo y que te amo
puesto que de dos modos es la vida,
la palabra es un ala del silencio,
el fuego tiene una mitad de frío.

Yo te amo para comenzar a amarte,
para recomenzar el infinito
y para no dejar de amarte nunca:
por eso no te amo todavía.

Te amo y no te amo como si tuviera
en mis manos las llaves de la dicha
y un incierto destino desdichado.

Mi amor tiene dos vidas para amarte.
Por eso te amo cuando no te amo
y por eso te amo cuando te amo.

Pablo Neruda

yuppie experience

[13 Dec 2006|12:16am]
ive just had one of the most wonderful evenings
despite my entire body being covered with hives.
do you ever feel overwhelmed with happy thoughts and
incredibly good sensation,
that suddenly you understand what they all talked about
all those years?

yuppie experience

[08 Nov 2006|02:31pm]
Thursday, June 07, 2007

Attorney: Gonzalez killed her

By BRIANNA LUSK, Staff Writer

Wednesday, June 6, 2007 10:59 PM PDT

Maria Veloz died at the hands of Salvador Gonzalez.

That is one fact that will not be disputed during the trial of Gonzalez, who is charged with first-degree murder in the death of his longtime girlfriend.

Whether Gonzalez premeditated the crime is up for a jury of seven men and five women to decide.

Gonzalez, whose trial began Wednesday in El Centro, has pleaded not guilty to first-degree murder.

During opening statements Defense Attorney Steven Honse said Gonzalez was responsible for Veloz’s death.

“He killed this woman,” Honse said. “He has to pay a price for it.”

Honse said Veloz told Gonzalez she had found someone else just moments after being intimate and that caused Gonzalez to snap.

Imperial County Deputy District Attorney Deborah Owen said Gonzalez is guilty of murder.

The case began last May when the 52-year-old Veloz, a teacher at the Imperial Valley Center for Exceptional Children, was found dead in her boyfriend’s home in the 2000 block of Cross Road near El Centro.

A pathologist concluded Veloz died of blunt force trauma and manual strangulation.

Owen said Gonzalez told a police officer nearly one year before the crime, “Tell her she needs to move or I’m going to kill her.”

Two of Veloz’s children and her son-in-law, who discovered the body, testified Wednesday that Veloz had a restraining order against Gonzalez and the couple were broken up when she was killed.

Honse described the couple as having a passionate and volatile relationship.

Nineteen-year-old Natalie Veloz, who was a senior in high school and lived with her mother at the time, said she returned from her boyfriend’s house around 2 a.m. and noticed her mother’s car was missing.

After she was unable to reach her mother by calling Gonzalez’s cell phone the next day, May 20, 2006, she became worried.

Natalie and her sister Myra Veloz drove to Gonzalez’s residence and found Veloz’s car in the driveway.

Myra called her husband, Juan Molina, to come to the house. Molina testified he knocked on the door and when no one answered, opened the door with a credit card and found the body.

Veloz was wrapped in a blanket face down on the bed, Molina said.

“I told my wife and Natalie ‘I think that’s your mom,’” Molina said.

Veloz was pronounced dead at the scene after law enforcement officials arrived.

Gonzalez had a history of threatening to kill Veloz, Owen said.

El Centro police Officer Alvaro Ramirez testified that nearly a year earlier, on July 11, 2005, officers responded to Veloz’s apartment in regard to a domestic dispute.

Gonzalez left the scene and was pulled over just blocks from Veloz’s apartment. He was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence, Ramirez said.

When he was placed into custody, Ramirez said, Gonzalez made repeated threats to kill his girlfriend and also threatened Ramirez.

“He demanded that I write down that he was going to kill her,” Ramirez said on the stand.

A temporary restraining order was granted by a judge after that incident.

Honse questioned whether Gonzalez was acting irrationally or crazy.

Ramirez said he appeared to be angry and had extreme mood swings. Gonzalez’s own threats against Ramirez, he said, made him uneasy.

“There was something about what he was saying and the way he was saying it, made me feel threatened,” Ramirez said.

Testimony is expected to continue at 9:30 a.m. Friday at the Imperial County Superior Courthouse in El Centro in Dept. 8.

>> Staff Writer Brianna Lusk can be reached at blusk@ivpressonline.com or 337-3439

yuppie experience

gold in the air [20 Oct 2006|01:28pm]
West African Peanut StewCollapse )

its nice to rest in the pavement at night and observe traffic, and just doze off starring at the people who are driving back home.

infinite yuppie experience

Sometimes [13 Oct 2006|12:48pm]
when we kiss, we breathe for each other, and for that moment I feel we become one.


coming down a hillCollapse )

infinite yuppie experience

slow, love. [04 Oct 2006|02:33pm]
There were some days when i would have arms around my waist and fingers inbetween my own and still by myself,
Kissing cheeks goodbye to go home alone
falling asleep with the radio on because i was so tired of the empty spaces in my room
asking whats missing inside of me

a few days ago i was observing the rays of the sun and how beautifully they blended in the puddles of water
that my momma makes when she waters the backyard.
and it made me realize that you dont have to be inlove to notice those beautiful moments
but being inlove makes you laugh at those sad moments that you know.

and gawking at the flourescent lights
while resting my head on your chest during concerts
or randomly driving to Julian to assemble in our love
are almost as wonderfull as those nights in my bedroom
and there were days when i would wonder if you looked at me the same way
i looked at you,
when we lied in bed.
and i dont wonder anymore.
thank you.
losing you was hard, but you are here now.

yuppie experience

when we are together, we are free [29 Sep 2006|09:32am]
Some chocolate to mend the broken heart. =\
Chocolate Turtle Truffle Torte

Recipe, Chocolate turtle..Collapse )

It was nice.

The hugs and the holding
Or falling asleep in your arms
Feeling your hand around my waist
The rhythm of your rib cage rising and falling against mine
Kisses on the forehead
Lying in bed and talking, talking and talking
Funny face you would make when I'd speak senseless
When we wake up in the morning and saying lets just go back to sleep
Or whispering to you under the pillows
the feeling.

it was nice.

It was nice to have somebody to sit in my room while I put things away
and then talk a little
Go outside, see the world
Learned about eachother
Learned to share the bed
and yet never learned to forgive

but it was nice.

infinite yuppie experience

Lentil Soup Recipe and ramblings. [18 Aug 2006|01:45pm]
Recipe: Lentil SoupCollapse )


If I wasnt a complex human being, how could i be categorized as?
and ... does that make any sense?

lately my life consists of kings of convenience and long drives, illogical thoughts and irrational behavior.

sometimes kings of convenience makes me understand
that what i do is just fine
and i feel normal, RAARELY.
and maybe juuuust maybe, deep down i just want to conform to the norm, and belong.
doesnt everyone?

(deja vu)

why am i hiding and where am i running to?

at times when we kiss, i feel that we breath for each other and for that moment i feel we become one

i love him

infinite yuppie experience

Life & a salad. [06 Jul 2006|07:16pm]
Summer Tomato Salad with Fried CheeseCollapse )

Eh, on other completely unrelated aspects of life....hm, sometimes you can get so offended by how others perceive you. when really, foreign observation is most accurate. especially when it is unbiased. pure, and brutally blunt.
i hardly involve myself harboring any thoughts or conclusions about anyone else, maybe because im still figuring out what or who i am. & while others seem to have the capacity to be observant of their surroundings, i find myself too lost journying to find myself. it just doesnt feel right to be so unaware & lost most of the time. but really, who am i? and where the hell am i going? has my lack of religion or dedication to anything made me so utterly susceptible to be perceived as maybe unstable. im beginning to amaze myself with my fluctuating personality once more, and i keep asking myself if ambivalence is that bad after all. am i just demented? dont mind me, im just rambling here, releasing all of this for strangers to devour and exposing myself even more.

in other news; (although no one really reads this anymore.) im starting college in a few months. i wonder if this will introduce some sort of guidance to my life. not that unbridledness is bad right? but sometimes you just have to have order or some path ah i dont know what im saying. i should be sleeping right now.

Hello, where do i go from here?

infinite yuppie experience

Picture & Recipes. [02 Jul 2006|04:31pm]
Easy Layered Lunch Salad with Lime Chili DressingCollapse )


i also look incredibly pensive here, i was actually pondering on the intricate composition of the external female genitalia and just how significantly important our labia minora is. yep.

post script: im retarded.

yuppie experience

Mushrooms, etc! [26 Jun 2006|09:09pm]
Dinner for the Evening

Portabello Mushrooms with Garlic and Fresh Herbs

Whole portabello head
garic, minced
Various fresh herbs, minced (I had thyme, oregano and garlic chives on hand)
Olive oil
Sea salt and pepper

Heat over to around 400. Top mushroom with garlic, herbs, salt, pepper and olive oil. Pop in the oven and keep your eye on the little bugger until the mushroom juices come out. voila, c'est fini.

Fresh Fava beans with Buttah, baby

Fresh Favas
Sea salt and pepper

Shell those bastard favas (it's a pain in the neck, but *so* worth it!)...Blanch, then toss with butter, sea salt and pepper. I added a few dripping from the portabello. Yum!

Citrus Salad with Fennel
(this is from Fran Gage's Bread and Chocolate)
1 Fennel bulb, thinly sliced
1/2 red onion, thinly sliced
2 Meyer lemons, peel, pith, and seeds removed, thinly sliced
Salt and pepper
1 tbsp. Meyer lemon juice
3 tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil
2 blood oranges, peel, pith abd seeds removed, thily sliced

Toss fennel, onion, lemon, salt and pepper with lemon juice, then olive oil. Add oranges last and lightly mix them in, so they don't discolor the rest of the ingredients. serve.

If you can find the ingredients for this salad-- MAKE IT! It is my most favorite.

infinite yuppie experience

photos and dish. [16 Jun 2006|07:59pm]
Cauliflower, Spinach and Potato Stir FryCollapse )

Hello, meet Patricio.

several weeks ago;
patricioCollapse )


more photosCollapse )
My camera isnt functioning properly, by the way. Gah.

infinite yuppie experience

Andrea Giacobbe [24 May 2006|11:38pm]
Vegan menuCollapse )

Any suggestions to modify these to taste better? =\


"Yacía de medio lado, de cara a la puerta, alumbrada desde el plafondo por una luz que no perdonaba detalle. Me sente a contemplarla desde el borde de la cama con un hechizo de los cinco sentidos. Era morena y tibia. La habían sometido a un regimen de higiene y embellecimiento que no descuidó ni el vello incipiente del pubis. Le habían rizado el cabello y tenía en las uñas de las manos y los pies un esmalte natural, pero la piel del color de la melaza se veía áspera y maltratada. Los senos recíen nacidos parecían todavía de niño varón pero se veían urgidos por una energía secreta a punto de reventar. Lo mejor de su cuerpo eran los pies grandes de pasos sigilosos con dedos largos y sensibles como de otras manos. Estaba ensopada en sudor fosforescente a pesar del ventilador, y el calor se volvía insoportable a medida que avanzaba la noche. Era imposible imaginar cómo era la cara pintorreteada a brocha gorda, la espesa costra de polvos de arroz con dos parches de colorete en las mejillas, las pestañas postizas, las cejas y los párpados como ahumados con negrohumo, y los labios aumentados con un barniz de chocolate. Pero ni los trapos ni los afeites alcanzaban a disimular su carácter: la nariz altiva, las cejas encontradas, los labios intensos. Pense: Un tierno toro de lidia."
memoria de mis putas tristes

also know that the photo and the passage are not meant to complement each other in any way. the passage only demonstrates my fascination with perversity and the photo depicts how i feel towards our dearest commander in chief. (uncomfortable and bothered. thus the excessive perspiration and awkward position.) but i refuse to fall into a convo about politics. im such a dimwit. it's not that important to me anyway. I'm done for the day now.

post script: I decided to post Sunday's menu.

infinite yuppie experience

agent orange [22 May 2006|09:14pm]
Cinnamon Apple ChipsCollapse )

Cancer Sticks; The devil.

i have no words to describe my current emotional disposition. everything is so dull lately. so blargh.
ive been abusing my lungs again, there is no hope. it seems.
somehow i only find putrid thoughts in this hellish atmosphere as opposed to inspiring poetry in glorious windy weather.
why is the valley such a hellhole, why?
in other news; sexual frustration is guiding me into lunacy. yes, this has to be ended, Immediately.
while its almost too easy to get sex, i guess i have to admit; im ready for a more... meaningfull relationship. No, not an established one. just, well you know, something with more meaning as opposed to those booty calls we all depend on so much. yes.

post script: my hormones are out of control, and im assuming ive already completed my pubescence... which leaves me to only one conclusion: i am a nymphomaniac. ? or this dearth of sexual contact is whats causing this ridiculous craving for so much sex. gosh. it sounds so horrible. but this is my journal, and so what.

post post scriptum: Its funny how i avoided sexual intercourse at all cost when i was living with my ex. ????? sometimes i dont even understand myself.

infinite yuppie experience

Hello Mr. Zebra [14 May 2006|01:07pm]
Vegetarian CheesecakeCollapse )

As many of you have been informed im decreasing the dosage of nicotine i ingest everyday by decreasing the amount i smoke every day, which has now been reduced to once a day. I boycotted purchase of tobacco, completely too. (only to not have full access to it at all times) Instead now everytime I walk around, I feed my addiction by asking complete strangers. Sometimes more than once, in hopes that the person is not aware of my proclaimed commitment of one smoke a day, but the assurance is always there, and im the type of person that can be good at lying to herself while horrible at lying to others, therefore it all works out fine in my mind, but thats not the issue right now. Besides asking strangers in the streets i prefer asking your typical senial, lonesome man that habitually sits in front of his house in an old chair with tobacco rollies (you know who he is, youve seen him). Ive been joining two in particular, because alongside of free tobacco i receive a good conversation as well. One has a really torn down house. A few days ago he was falling asleep and I photographed the exterior, he has good junk. Its marvelous. He also owns a beaten up truck that reminds me of my granpa's. maybe ill gather enough courage to capture his picture one of these days, im sure he wont be completely pissed off. Anyway, here are some pictures, and now im off.

Hello Mr.Zebra, Can I have your sweater, 'cos its cold, cold, cold, in my home, home, home.Collapse )

infinite yuppie experience

Car and Sloppy Joes. [13 May 2006|03:43pm]
Easy Vegetarian Sloppy JoesCollapse )

Seeing I was in need of a new car, I directed myself to car agencies, Viewed cars, etc, etc.
Initially I was seeking an affordable car so on.
The sales person insisted on showing me this convertible mustang, i was not too happy because i dont want a 6 cylinder car. Gas is not nearly economic lately. But I drove it from El Centro to Calexico then back and I can say the car appeared perfect for me and I was ready to purchase. To my surprise the insurance on that type of car would amount to 1500 with a down payment of 300 dollars and 4 monthly payments of 300 dollars. Addition to the monthly car payments that would be of 270 everything would amount to 570. :S They suggested I should co-buy with my mum so she could insure it basing on her driving experience and age and so on. Everything would come out more affordable in the end, but I would not ask my mum to help me with money or anything of course. I hesitated for a good 4 days because im not so good at asking my mom for favors, she has so many financial and emotional problems of her own, anyway i did. I involved her in my shit, and now i regret it. You know this is a bullshit conspiracy to make you feel inadequate and useless throughout your life. If youre young, car insurance as well as car payments and countless of other shit will fuck you right in the ass, and once youre old enough to purchase anything at an affordable price you will be too overwhelmed with mental dilemmas humans generally go through once they complete a high percentage of their life, then eventually degenerate into a senile disturbance. Of course thats an exaggeration but come on people!!!!! .... However, in all reality... we dont really need all of this materialism in our lives. I'm just being a disgustingly selfish human being here. & thats basically it. ive been too exhausted and tired to hang around the cyber world, but i care about you guys, you guys know who you are yea! Goodbye.

infinite yuppie experience

Citadel Of Dreams. [28 Apr 2006|07:33pm]
Something sweet, to sugar coat things up.

Recipe; Fruit CrispCollapse )

after a dearth of any type of emotional outpour, i finally experienced one today in the morning,
which caused me to come back home from work and mope in my pajamas for the remaining of my friday.

it suddenly dawned on me.

it's funny how suddenly, i miss you for everything you are and stand for.
i somehow will love him eternally eventhough ill try to deny it to everyone including myself.
But honestly, what can be done?
Absolutely Nothing.

It's confusing, it's depressing and in a way forbidden.
somehow these feelings continue to exist in me, and its quite obvious by now that theyre not leaving.
maybe learning how to cope with it is the only thing left to do.

isnt it nice
to wake up in the morning
all alone
and not have to tell somebody
you love them
when you dont love them

& while thats nice,
it's even better to wake up in the morning, in complete solidity and not have to force someone you adore in entirety to tell you they love you, when they dont love you anymore? yes.

infinite yuppie experience

years go by and im still here withering where some snowman was. [16 Apr 2006|07:35pm]
Ive been starring at my reflection in the mirror... for long periods of time.
I want to see myself as other people see me.
I can only say that theres only one conclusion i derived from that...
I realized that the elapsed time from when i turned 18 to now was swallowed up so rapidly and it seems that the years are wasting away without me taking notice.

Im really quite deteriorating and i can say that im terrified.
I'm getting close to that fraction of my life in which many people already have a layout of what they hope to accomplish.
i dont.
im reaching for 20 and this feeling of inadequacy is insinuating that the clock is ticking and time is running up.
im beginning to realize that life after your 20s is much more rather than college and getting a degree, or clubbing... or getting married... or conceiving children.
im not quite sure what it is, but i know its not that.

last tuesday a boy curiously questioned me why i wasnt married or had any children of my own.
it shocked me... people are beginning to generate those type of expectations for me.
i couldnt grasp breath for a few seconds and i realized that not so long ago i was in that boys place questioning everything and almost starving for knowledge.
its funny how you spend your adolescence pretending to be older .... and when you are in fact older, it's overwhelming.

infinite yuppie experience

im not inlove [28 Mar 2006|08:04pm]
Red EnchiladasCollapse )

This is a setting where, as a child my grandparents would force me to go every sunday. I would cry and behave ridiculously restless until mass reached its' end, all of my anxiety was reserved for the habitual visit to Consuelo's house after mass, where she offered marvelous tea and delightful coconut cookies with powder sugar sprinkled on top. I would regularly wear long skirts with compromising pockets that enabled me to steal as much cookies as i desired from Consuelo's house. I remember getting caught and being forced to isolatation from the other children for behaving naughty and greedy. Kids looked down on me with scorn that day, so I enjoyed my cookies all by lonesome self & was quite pleased. I was a bad kid but most definitely I was a horrible Catholic, I remember communing in church numerous of times and yet i would attend cathecism to prepare for my first communion, and that would confuse me completely...

Isnt it wonderful...Collapse )

infinite yuppie experience

Years go by as I wait and wither away where some snowman was [28 Feb 2006|02:12pm]
Crunchy Italian Tofu DippersCollapse )

I stumble out of a nightclub thinking
animals and insects don't do drugs
I think I'll go out and act like I'm celibate
jingle bells in a Christmas choir

when I'm sick of the way that I've been
I think I'll go out and act anti-celibate
and throw grenades at a christmas choir

rantingCollapse )

infinite yuppie experience

sand castles and dreams. [18 Feb 2006|09:30pm]
Recipe; avacado raisin banana saladCollapse )

this abondoned house is located near my house through 3rd street & andrade and my cousin is scared of it because sometimes at night when its really quiet it produces weird noises... i explain to him that stray cats are responsible for the noises but he refuses to understand.

in submission to this false idolCollapse )

im actually not in love at the moment, and it feels wrong, you know?
i wish i was atleast heartbroken or missing someone.
this lack of sentimentalism makes everything so dull and empty.

edit. my sister's hate towards the world is becoming less comical as she grows up.
it really is

infinite yuppie experience

Life? [14 Feb 2006|08:17pm]
[ mood | somewhat content ]

Vegetarian JambalayaCollapse )

all i see these days are piles of documents with threatening messages.
its so upsetting when all that comes in the mail is antagonistic towards you. (it really is)

... when youre feeling completely lonely yet the phone rings and people that love you are at the other end is not how i want to live... anymore -insert overly confused gesture here-
day after day i continue to ignore phonecalls.
day after day i slowly yet increasingly avoid everyone ... im carefully setting up a lonely future for myself.
i dont mind loneliness that much, but i do mind pushing everyone i love apart from me.
a few months ago i would have conversations with myself... but at the time most of my questions were left unanswered.

why do i tend to feel lonely in a crowded room? or why do i feel like crying at times when all that surrounds me is laughter and glasses?

& usually if i try to find answers to my questions i only introduce myself to new ones in the process.
its so complicated and frustrating to not know yourself well enough to answer questions about yourself to yourself.
im probably just demented.
why am i ridiculously impatient & confusing?

(yesterday i discovered that i might have attention deficit disorder. and it really frightens me.)
because youll usually find me; involved in eternal detached stares at nothingness while "conversing" with others,
having difficulty grasping everyday concepts, or simply just distant and not being able to concentrate on anything.

its very amusing that lately i find starring at inanimate objects for long periods of time more interesting than indulging in a good book or conversing with friends about interesting topics. (and no i havent really smoked pot for the past few weeks)

anyway, if in the future we encounter and start talking, sorry if i space out. or if i act inadequate in any way. but honestly, im happy with my behaviour. i really am. i just dont like pushing those i love away.

infinite yuppie experience

my names Guadalupe [01 Feb 2006|08:42pm]
Recipe; Spicy Red Beans & RiceCollapse )

I see myself working as a waitress, living in a small apartment with cheap shoes and tacky clothes in a few more years.
(for the rest of my life)
im slowly evolving into the typical lonesome lady that has many pet cats, but i have no house to inherit.
ive only been exposing my body to nasty habits for the past few ...
do you wonder eternally how amazing & overwhelming love feels like?
(for those who dont experience amazingly overwhelming love)
most important: do you ever feel so terribly nostalgic for your childhood that you mope around your house all day with an album full of your childhood pictures & a box full of crafts that you created when you were in preschool?
maybe all of this just means that im starting that new phase in life where instead of adding years to my age when i lie about it, i will most likely subtract some? or maybe how instead of trying to act more mature i will act less mature and act ridiculously improper for my age?
i know im too young for that but everything seems more clear now and im not ready.
i have to start being more creative with my own life before it just wastes away before my own eyes.

for those that go to mejico and cross through the calexico border... heres a photo
(hotel del norte is on your right)
i think it looks way lovely this way

infinite yuppie experience

we are the poor, we are the poor. and we love scholarships [16 Jun 2005|11:56am]
These past 24hours I've gone from feeling alienated for the past couple of months, to feeling incredibly inspired. I just found out that some of my closest friends have been feeling the EXACT same way that I have been feeling, and thought that it was only me, that it was because I don't talk to anyone anymore except for coworkers, and when I do it's about the most mundane topics. I find myself not being challenged, not being stimulated, and most of all not feeling happy due to the presence of others in my life. I felt as though no one understood what I was going through, no one really wanted to hear about it anymore and no one was interested. I slept 12 hours a day because my dreams were more exciting than my real life, and when I woke up I would have no reason to get up, except for the days when I was required to be at work.

But now, now I see things much more clearly. I see that I am in control of what I want. I see that I will soon be volunteering at Casa Villanueca, I see that I will be taking fantastic photographs, and that I will be reading great books that will not only provide entertainment, but will inspire me, make me see things just as my friends allow me to see things. I am going to focus on me and what I want. I am not going to depend on people and the potential. i will focus on the inevitable.

and although i felt idiotic writing this entry, well... i dont care anymore!

yesterday i saw batman, incredibly gaudy, with cheaply imitative scenes, but arent all superhero movies!

post script:
i dont think i want to attend college, but i probably will. i think it was pointless finishing high school. so why waste time in college!? its just not my thing, you know? I guess the whole tyrannical dictation of what books, historical figures, etc. we must consider and explore just throws me off... ah well.

</3 [01 Jun 2005|02:43pm]
ill be back here shortly.

too many things are happening right now for me to sit down and analyze them in here. even though id much rather have an emotional outpouring type lj entry rather than an analytical type lj entry.
oh well.

im the master of avoidance at this point in time.

infinite yuppie experience

Awareness. [18 Nov 2004|06:24pm]
View This If you eat meat.

infinite yuppie experience

Removing and Removing. [09 Oct 2004|11:40pm]
[ mood | awake ]

livejournal removal of friends.

infinite yuppie experience

Presidential Debate on Fox, today! [30 Sep 2004|11:34am]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Within thirty seconds any pretense is always unnecessary. A hideous ecstasy of fear and vindictiviness, a desire to kill, to torture, to smash faces in with a sledge hammer, seemed to flow through me like an electric current, turning myself even against my own will into a grimacing, screaming lunatic. And yet the rage that I felt was an abstract, undirected emotion which could be switched from one object to another like the flame of a blowlamp.

Along the lines of 1984, such words I grew fond of in an instance. Of course, this being my space to record such experiences, no shame is instigated on my part to transact these lovely words onto here. Lacking a verbatim style, surely....

Addressing myself in the third person at times, apprehension from my part ascends. I fear for my sanity. All at once, I foreshadow mental instability. Likely, the most recent entries of this insufficient, for its author's demands that is, livejournal embrace ramblings dealing with loss of sanity. Of course, confusing myself as I compose this, you are all forgiven if this entire entry fails to make sense to you.
In hopes that this rant will quench the choler I foment in vain, I depart.

your cocaine, sniff me.

infinite yuppie experience

This Livejournal BLOWS! [11 Sep 2004|05:13am]
A pond of uncertainty located in my backyard, is what I'm walking on. (because) I AM MRS. FUCKING JESUS! I fear that this entry will lack interest for you readers, as most of my entries do. The dearth of intimate writing in this livejournal has caused many of you to abondon it, of that I'm sure. I just noticed that my livejournal is a failure, a failure, a failure.

Dear, livejournal, you have no bearing on your creator, your author. Your author is guided by ideals rather than practical considerations, and that you must know. Also, your creator is a bit off, and is full of Bull shit. Livejournal, you can't maintain your author's emotional department, due to issues dealing with trust. What? You expect me to stream out right now? so soon?! I hardly know you at all. I wish I could deliver what I experience at this exact moment, yet it would be impossible to extradite these confined thoughts to you, without giving you excessive EMONESS.

I leave you with this, currently I am insane, temporarily I hope, and I need you, but I don't. Here you have me at 5 in the morning writing at length with excessive digression.

your cocaine, sniff me.

Can you see the entries?

yuppie experience

"myspace" [17 May 2004|03:59am]
[ mood | lethargic ]

If you REALLY have to tell me something, send it through here.
or add me hellomr.zebra@hotmail.com

-messages are screened and private

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