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[27 Jul 2008|04:42pm] |
i keep looking at pictures of him.
i love him.
but it'll never work out.
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[20 May 2008|08:34am] |
Found an apartment in 70th street
All I need is the credit check and I move on the 15th of next month...
*crossing fingers!
hmmm...
it's been like, a month?
I don't remember who broke up with who... I think he did this time.
Ah who cares, it feels good.
I really wanted to be his friend, but at this point I don't think he wants that.
No biggie.
I'm bored... and anxious. I want to move already!
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[04 May 2008|08:59pm] |
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David Lopez to me
show details 10/22/06
Reply
although i say things that do hurt
i think it's a good day
although i behave in a very terrible way
i think it's a good day
although at times you hit my face
and slap and slap and slap me again
while you look and smile at me
i think it's a good day
although i know i don't deserve you
and for some strange reason unknown
you stuck by me and love me, then...
i think it's a good day
and when we fight and say the things
that hurt us both so terribly
i think it may be a bad day
but we can talk and understand
what each one feels and
what each one feels not
we know we love each other then
and i know that it's a good day
c u soon honey.
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[20 Apr 2008|01:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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disappointed |
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| [ |
music |
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the scientist - coldplay |
] |
I was thinking... and the thought hurts, there's nothing left to do, but move on.
I keep walking back and forth, tempted to just call him and talk to him.
But the relationship has been long lost, we could look for a quick fix, when we simply can not be fixed.
I guess we decided on logic over "love" or whatever it is that we experienced.
I'm not sure if it's the right thing, it feels wrong, but staying together doesn't feel right either.
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[20 Apr 2008|11:53am] |
I broke up with my boyfriend.
I had a strange dream last night, it was very wistful.
At one point I was lying in some meadows, very similar to the ones we saw when we went camping, and I was just sitting still looking at this dead tree and then David passed by and criticized and joked about my laziness, as he always did.
I don't think it has any direct affiliation to my current situation, other than what I draw out from it.
I think it's just me feeling depressed about the whole break up and well, the whole relationship I suppose, how things turned out.
It's just a relationship I really want, and no matter how much I try, it just won't happen.
I think I really did love him, but sometimes I felt that I was just wasting my time.
I do think he's a great guy, but I mean... there's nothing serious about this relationship anymore. We've broken up so many times now, I really just lost count and track. He keeps playing, and I can't blame him, this has become just a big stupid game.
I'm tired, maybe because I really feel for him, and all of this just really hurts me.
I do think that for a while, I needed him more than I wanted him. He helped me with my problems, he cared for me, I was comfortable being taken care of by him.
But over the past year I slowly regained my independence, and I simply just wanted to be with him. Not needy, just ... wanted him because he made me smile, he was funny, smart, attractive, caring, unique. I felt that he could compliment me, not care for me completely.
Recently... he was just sarcastic, immature, careless.
I was thinking earlier on today, where did the love go? I think it's still there, I'm still in love with the David that I knew, but I know I can't have him. That Davids gone, basically, at least in this relationship.
Maybe he'll put it all out there for someone else, but not for me.
The thought hurts, but it's realistic.
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| Blah Blah Blah |
[11 Apr 2008|12:42am] |
Pues aquí me tienen a la una de la madrugada ... escribiendo en esta cochinada de nuevo.
Pues mas que nada estoy frustrada, fregado no le puedo entender a los acentos. Me memorice las reglas pero nada mas no las puedo aplicar a la hora de la hora. Me acuerdo de algunos pero nada mas porque me los eh memorizado.
Aparte de la escuela pues ... ando frustrada por otras cosas. Realmente no se como le voy hacer aya en San Diego, haber si me puedo mudar con Ferny y su hermano por mientras en lo que encuentro un estudio o algo no se.
Actualmente todo es muy monótono y estoy aburrida pero aun así a veces me agobio.
El trabajo sigue igual... aburrido, y no paga bien.
Aparte últimamente cada vez que voy a un evento me esta dando lata tener que hablar con gente y pretender que realmente me interesa lo que dicen.
Larson es una persona bien de aquellas pero no creo que el "periodismo" es para mi.
Lo único que me gusta es fotografiar pero pues ni camara tengo, la que tengo es prestada y es un modelo muy simple no se puede hacer mucho. Pienso invertir en una muy pronto, pero pues no hago lo suficiente pues si apenas me alcanza para pagar lo necesario.
Pero pues ya veremos, ya le eche el ojo a la Rebel XTI.
De acuerdo al otro trabajo que se supone que ya según lo tenia pues ... hay me tienen diciéndome que según ya me contrataron pero que todo es cuestión de que el mero mero diga si. ?
Lo único que me motiva a seguir intentando allí es lo del teléfono gratis con servicio sin limite que me van a dar, mas aparte necesito ahorrar un poco de dinero para tener allí por si la ocasión se presenta. Por mas que odie a Sprint ... me voy a tragar el orgullo y voy a trabajar allí asta Agosto por lo menos.
Pues ya me llego el sueno, asi que hay los vidrios. haha.
Los dejo con Sabines.
¿Qué putas puedo hacer...?
¿Qué putas puedo hacer con mi rodilla,
con mi pierna tan larga y tan flaca,
con mis brazos, con mi lengua,
con mis flacos ojos?
¿Que puedo hacer en este remolino
de imbéciles de buena voluntad?
¿Que puedo con inteligentes podridos
y con dulces niñas que no quieren hombre sino poesía?
¿Que puedo entre los poetas uniformados
por la academia o por el comunismo?
¿Que, entre vendedores o políticos
o pastores de almas?
¿Que putas puedo hacer, Tarumba,
si no soy santo, ni héroe, ni bandido,
ni adorador del arte,
ni boticario,
ni rebelde?
¿Que puedo hacer si puedo hacerlo todo
y no tengo ganas sino de mirar y mirar?
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| Battle of the Bands! [in calecia] Calecia chronicle |
[16 Feb 2008|05:37pm] |
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[Just because I support local talent yo]
The night showcased four local bands, most of which played rock music. Although with “Broadcasting Sirens”, the winning band, the crowd experienced rock music with an intriguing and industrial mix. Other bands like “Terashi”, the opening act for the night, offered a more familiar and commercial Nu-metal sound. Likewise spectators enjoyed the “thrashy” beats of local Thrash Metal band, “TrendKill”.
One of the bands that while didn’t take the title of the bands did manage to get the kids extremely involved with their charisma and frisky performance. The charismatic trio, "Ellipsis", won the congeniality award by far, and their music best described as Pop-punk, with a dash of Rock en Español added to the concoction, was also great.
With 15 minute intermissions in between each band, kids were able to mingle outside and buy refreshments and listen to more tunes from “DJ Tubs”, as if the music inside wasn’t enough. And as intended, the event turned out to be very family-oriented, and yet didn’t discourage heavy eyeliner-wearing adolescents to show up. It was clearly an event of diversity.
Anticipation begun to build up after the penultimate band, and the crowd eagerly awaited and wondered if the final band would be up to par with the preceding bands.
After a short intermission the talented quartet commenced their dynamic and flawlessly executed set of tracks as red and green lights blinded the crowd and synthesized music saturated the room. A real party atmosphere pervaded Rodney and the crowd responded to the music immediately, some already long time fans while others were just instantly drawn to the music.
“Broadcasting Sirens” has fostered a distinctive sound; an energetic, sometimes gloomy hybrid of Electronic music and New Wave, and perhaps this is why long time fans like Penny Ramirez are completely faithful that the band will have a successful out coming, “They’re something new, unlike anything here in the Valley”, mentioned Ramirez, who has been following the band since its beginnings and has been anticipating their resurgence after a temporary cessation of 2 years.
The whole New Wave-Esque 80’s resurrection really enticed the crowds and clearly the judges. People were blown away especially older spectators in the audience who got a retrospective glimpse by listening to the band. The night ended with an encore of a crowd-favorite, “Masquerade”, an original by the winning band.
Myspaces of 3 bands;
http://www.myspace.com/broadcastinc
http://www.myspace.com/miellipsis
http://www.myspace.com/terashi
lily veloz
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| Eh. |
[16 Feb 2008|10:02am] |
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So after the breakup with the guy... I managed to pull myself together and somehow learn to accept things for what they were in the short amount of two days, something I was really proud of I guess, so at this point im feeling desensitized, soulless and conveniently unemotional.
other times that we'd break up i'd feel single, well in the physical aspect,... but for some reason id always manage to stay emotionally involved ... but not this time, and i thought that was just peachy y'know?
and i put myself out there for reasons unknown and meet this ridiculously cute guy ... and almost immediately start dating. so the guys from san diego and i figured that it's a great idea.
i guess it wasn't, but the funny thing is that even after i realized it could never work out with this guy... i mean even finding myself in this low peak of life... i still, do not feel the urge to go back and mourn about the previous ex. this feeling empowers me in a way that only single people can understand. knowing that you're totally independent and in control of your emotions. not relying on the guy to be happy.
i really realllly don't want to become bitter and gag at the thought of lovey doveys that are out there expressing their love in public... but i just can't help it anymore. and i really shouldn't feel this way, but i do think that this comforts me in some weird way. the feeling of not being settled, y'know tied down.
i dont get epiphanies from romantic chick flicks anymore, and love poems don't make me see things "clearly" anymore. they're just constant and often unpleasant reminders of an abstract concept that our culture decided to fabricate. =\ and.... i think i'm done y'know?
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| When Life gives you lemons, make cancerade. |
[31 Jan 2008|01:12pm] |
The gyno wasn't thrilled about the results of my previous colposcopy.
So she fears that I might need a cone biopsy.
I'm shit scared, and I feel that I keep stressing myself out about everything.
School and work and just everything that's going on, I guess was already deteriorating my energy, and although it's a little harder with this ... I still won't allow this to take control of my life.
I'll undergo the cone biopsy, and if I have cancer... I'll just fight it with chemotherapy or whatever the fuck I have to do. Shit.
But in all reality I wish I was more nonchalant as I appear to be... I'm shit scared and nervous, worried more than all.
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| ah break ups. |
[25 Jan 2008|11:02am] |
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It's over and it feels fucking amazing.
While it was happening I couldn't cope with it, and thought that I would take things differently.
But it's funny how I'm in a distinct emotional state only a few days after. There is this incredible sensation that brings me back to the place that I've been trying to reach.
I'm single.
and just by repeating the sentence, I feel empowered and amazing because I foreshadow laughter ... fun, and above all new feelings.
I foreshadow meeting a bunch of other assholes that will bring their own problems in their own unique way, but I'm also foreshadowing great guys that will sweep me off my feet and will make my weekends fun.
It's a different feeling from the other break ups I've had with this guy because I feel that I'm actually attempting to put myself out there this time as opposed to staying home drenched and consumed by this bitter atmosphere over a relationship that just wasn't worth it. We weren't compatible, and he really wasn't cut out for me... mainly he just didn't love me, but it's fine the thought doesn't sting as it normally would.
It's as if everything suddenly cleared up, and I'm just facing what was there all along. It's refreshing more than anything.
And even if it was the first relationship that I didn't end... somehow I feel lighter and am not nagged at by a baggage of shattered feelings and broken promises as I would with prior breakups.
This is different. I like it. :)
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[06 Jan 2008|09:50pm] |
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I have to let go of my current boyfriend. all he does is hurt me now.
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[06 Jan 2008|08:58pm] |
Sabrás que no te amo y que te amo
puesto que de dos modos es la vida,
la palabra es un ala del silencio,
el fuego tiene una mitad de frío.
Yo te amo para comenzar a amarte,
para recomenzar el infinito
y para no dejar de amarte nunca:
por eso no te amo todavía.
Te amo y no te amo como si tuviera
en mis manos la llave de la dicha
y un incierto destino desdichado.
Mi amor tiene dos vidas para amarte.
Por eso te amo cuando no rte amo
y por eso te amo cuando te amo.
---Pablo Neruda
Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente,
y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca.
Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado
y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca.
.
Como todas las cosas están llenas de mi alma
emerges de las cosas, llena del alma mía.
Mariposa de sueño, te pareces a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolía.
.
Me gustas cuando callas y estás como distante.
Y estás como quejándote, mariposa en arrullo.
Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza:
Déjame que me calle con el silencio tuyo.
.
Déjame que te hable también con tu silencio
claro como una lámpara, simple como un anillo.
Eres como la noche, callada y constelada.
Tu silencio es de estrella, tan lejano y sencillo.
.
Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente.
Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto.
Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.
Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.
--Pablo Neruda
No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.
Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,
sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.
Pablo Neruda
La luna se puede tomar a cucharadas
o como una cápsula cada dos horas.
Es buena como hipnótico y sedante
y también alivia
a los que se han intoxicado de filosofía.
Un pedazo de luna en el bolsillo
es mejor amuleto que la pata de conejo:
sirve para encontrar a quien se ama,
para ser rico sin que lo sepa nadie
y para alejar a los médicos y las clínicas.
Se puede dar de postre a los niños
cuando no se han dormido,
y unas gotas de luna en los ojos de los ancianos
ayudan a bien morir.
Pon una hoja tierna de la luna
debajo de tu almohada
y mirarás lo que quieras ver.
Lleva siempre un frasquito del aire de la luna
para cuando te ahogues,
y dale la llave de la luna
a los presos y a los desencantados.
Para los condenados a muerte
y para los condenados a vida
no hay mejor estimulante que la luna
en dosis precisas y controladas.
Jaime Sabines
Me encanta Dios. Es un viejo magnífico que no se toma en serio.
A él le gusta jugar y juega, y a veces se le pasa la mano
y nos rompe una pierna o nos aplasta definitivamente.
Pero esto sucede porque es un poco cegatón y bastante
torpe con las manos.
Nos ha enviado a algunos tipos excepcionales como Buda,
o Cristo, o Mahoma, o mi tía Chofi,
para que nos digan que nos portemos bien.
Pero esto a él no le preocupa mucho: nos conoce.
Sabe que el pez grande se traga al chico, que la lagartija grande
se traga a la pequeña, que el hombre se traga al hombre.
Y por eso inventó la muerte: para que la vida ?no tú ni yo?
la vida, sea para siempre.
Ahora los científicos salen con su teoría del Big Bang...
Pero ¿qué importa si el universo se expande interminablemente
o se contrae? Esto es asunto sólo para agencias de viajes.
A mí me encanta Dios. Ha puesto orden en las galaxias
y distribuye bien el tránsito en el camino de las hormigas.
Y es tan juguetón y travieso que el otro día descubrí que ha hecho ?
frente al ataque de los antibióticos? ¡bacterias mutantes!
Viejo sabio o niño explorador, cuando deja de jugar con sus
soldaditos de plomo y de carne y hueso, hace campos de flores
o pinta el cielo de manera increíble.
Mueve una mano y hace el mar, y mueve la otra y hace el bosque.
Y cuando pasa por encima de nosotros, quedan las nubes,
pedazos de su aliento.
Dicen que a veces se enfurece y hace terremotos,
y manda tormentas,
caudales de fuego, vientos desatados,
aguas alevosas, castigos y desastres.
Pero esto es mentira. Es la tierra que cambia
y se agita y crece cuando Dios se aleja.
Dios siempre está de buen humor.
Por eso es el preferido de mis padres,
el escogido de mis hijos, el más cercano
de mis hermanos, la mujer más amada,
el perrito y la pulga, la piedra más antigua,
el pétalo más tierno, el aroma más
dulce, la noche insondable, el borboteo de luz,
el manantial que soy.
A mí me gusta, a mí me encanta Dios.
Que Dios bendiga a Dios.
Jaime Sabines
No es nada de tu cuerpo
ni tu piel, ni tus ojos, ni tu vientre,
ni ese lugar secreto que los dos conocemos,
fosa de nuestra muerte, final de nuestro entierro.
No es tu boca -tu boca
que es igual que tu sexo-,
ni la reunión exacta de tus pechos,
ni tu espalda dulcísima y suave,
ni tu ombligo en que bebo.
Ni son tus muslos duros como el día,
ni tus rodillas de marfil al fuego,
ni tus pies diminutos y sangrantes,
ni tu olor, ni tu pelo.
No es tu mirada -¿qué es una mirada?-
triste luz descarriada, paz sin dueño,
ni el álbum de tu oído, ni tus voces,
ni las ojeras que te deja el sueño.
Ni es tu lengua de víbora tampoco,
flecha de avispas en el aire ciego,
ni la humedad caliente de tu asfixia
que sostiene tu beso.
No es nada de tu cuerpo,
ni una brizna, ni un pétalo,
ni una gota, ni un grano, ni un momento.
Es sólo este lugar donde estuviste,
estos mis brazos tercos.
Jaime Sabines
No es que muera de amor, muero de ti.
Muero de ti, amor, de amor de ti,
de urgencia mía de mi piel de ti,
de mi alma, de ti y de mi boca
y del insoportable que yo soy sin ti.
Muero de ti y de mi, muero de ambos,
de nosotros, de ese,
desgarrado, partido,
me muero, te muero, lo morimos.
Morimos en mi cuarto en que estoy solo,
en mi cama en que faltas,
en la calle donde mi brazo va vacío,
en el cine y los parques, los tranvías,
los lugares donde mi hombro
acostumbra tu cabeza
y mi mano tu mano
y todo yo te sé como yo mismo.
Morimos en el sitio que le he prestado al aire
para que estés fuera de mí,
y en el lugar en que el aire se acaba
cuando te echo mi piel encima
y nos conocemos en nosotros,
separados del mundo, dichosa, penetrada,
y cierto , interminable.
Morimos, lo sabemos, lo ignoran, nos morimos
entre los dos, ahora, separados,
del uno al otro, diariamente,
cayéndonos en múltiples estatuas,
en gestos que no vemos,
en nuestras manos que nos necesitan.
Nos morimos, amor, muero en tu vientre
que no muerdo ni beso,
en tus muslos dulcísimos y vivos,
en tu carne sin fin, muero de máscaras,
de triángulos oscuros e incesantes.
Muero de mi cuerpo y de tu cuerpo,
de nuestra muerte ,amor, muero, morimos.
En el pozo de amor a todas horas,
inconsolable, a gritos,
dentro de mi, quiero decir, te llamo,
te llaman los que nacen, los que vienen
de atrás, de ti, los que a ti llegan.
Nos morimos, amor, y nada hacemos
sino morirnos más, hora tras hora,
y escribirnos y hablarnos y morirnos.
Jaime Sabines
Sólo en sueños,
sólo en el otro mundo del sueño te consigo,
a ciertas horas, cuando cierro puertas
detrás de mí.
¡Con qué desprecio he visto a los que sueñan,
y ahora estoy preso en su sortilegio,
atrapado en su red!
¡Con qué morboso deleite te introduzco
en la casa abandonada, y te amo mil veces
de la misma manera distinta!
Esos sitios que tú y yo conocemos
nos esperan todas las noches
como una vieja cama
y hay cosas en lo oscuro que nos sonríen.
Me gusta decirte lo de siempre
y mis manos adoran tu pelo
y te estrecho, poco a poco, hasta mi sangre.
Pequeña y dulce, te abrazas a mi abrazo,
y con mi mano en tu boca, te busco y te busco.
A veces lo recuerdo. A veces
sólo el cuerpo cansado me lo dice.
Al duro amanecer estás desvaneciéndote
y entre mis brazos sólo queda tu sombra.
Jaime Sabines
Te quiero porque tienes
las partes de la mujer en el lugar preciso
y estás completa.
No te falta ni un pétalo,
ni un olor, ni una sombra.
Colocada en tu alma,
dispuesta a ser rocío en la yerba del mundo,
leche de luna en las oscuras hojas.
Quizás me ves,
tal vez, acaso un día,
en una lámpara apagada,
en un rincón del cuarto donde duermes,
soy la mancha, un punto en la pared,
alguna raya que tus ojos, sin ti,
se quedan viendo.
Quizás me reconoces
como una hora antigua
cuando a solas preguntas, te interrogas
con el cuerpo cerrado y sin respuesta.
Soy una cicatriz que ya no existe,
un beso ya lavado por el tiempo,
un amor y otro amor que ya enterraste.
Pero estás en mis manos y me tienes
y en tus manos estoy, brasa, ceniza,
para secar tus lágrimas que lloro.
¿En qué lugar, en dónde, a qué deshoras
me dirás que te amo? Esto es urgente
porque la eternidad se nos acaba.
Recoge mi cabeza. Guarda el brazo
con que amé tu cintura. No me dejes
en medio de tu sangre en esa toalla.
Jaime Sabines
¿Qué putas puedo hacer con mi rodilla,
con mi pierna tan larga y tan flaca,
con mis brazos, con mi lengua,
con mis flacos ojos?
¿Qué puedo hacer en este remolino
de imbéciles de buena voluntad?
¿Qué puedo con inteligentes podridos
y con dulces niñas que no quieren hombre sino poesía?
¿Qué puedo entre los poetas uniformados
por la academia o por el comunismo?
¿Qué, entre vendedores o políticos
o pastores de almas?
¿Qué putas puedo hacer, Tarumba,
si no soy santo, ni héroe, ni bandido,
ni adorador del arte,
ni boticario,
ni rebelde?
¿Qué puedo hacer si puedo hacerlo todo
y no tengo ganas sino de mirar y mirar?
Jaime Sabines
Los días inútiles son como una costra
de mugre sobre el alma.
Hay una asfixia lenta que sonríe,
que olvida, que se calla.
¿Quién me pone estos sapos en el pecho
cuando no digo nada?
Hay un idiota como yo andando,
platicando con gentes y fantasmas,
echándose en el lodo y escarbando
la mierda de la fama.
Puerco de hocico que recita versos
en fiestas familiares, donde mujeres sabias
hablan de amor, de guerra,
resuelven la esperanza.
Puerco del mundo fácil
en que el engaño quiere hacer que engaña
mientras ácidos lentos
llevan el asco a la garganta.
Hay un hombre que cae días y días
de pie, desde su cara,
y siente que en su pecho van creciendo
muertes y almas.
Un hombre como yo que se avergüenza,
que se cansa,
que no pregunta porque no pregunta
ni quiere nada.
¿Qué viene a hacer aquí tanta ternura fracasada?
¡Díganle que se vaya!
Jaime Sabines
Qué costumbre tan salvaje esta
de enterrar a los muertos, ¡de matarlos,
de aniquilarlos, de borrarlos de la tierra!
Es tratarlos alevosamente,
es negarles la posibilidad de revivir.
Yo siempre estoy esperando a que
los muertos se levanten, que rompan
el ataúd y digan alegremente: ¿por qué lloras?
Por eso me sobrecoge el entierro.
Aseguran las tapas de la caja, la introducen,
le ponen lajas encima, y luego tierra, tras, tras, tras,
paletada tras paletada, terrones, polvo, piedras,
apisonando, amacizando, ahí te quedas,
de aquí ya no sales.
Me dan risa, luego, las coronas, las flores,
el llanto, los besos derramados.
Es una burla: ¿para qué lo enterraron?,
¿por qué no lo dejaron fuera hasta secarse,
hasta que nos hablaran sus huesos de su muerte?
¿O por qué no quemarlo, o darlo a los animales,
o tirarlo a un río?
Habría que tener una casa de reposo para los muertos,
ventilada, limpia, con música y con agua corriente.
Lo menos dos o tres, cada día, se levantarían a vivir.
Sabines
Me tienes en tus manos
y me lees lo mismo que un libro.
Sabes lo que yo ignoro
y me dices las cosas que no me digo.
Me aprendo en ti más que en mi mismo.
Eres como un milagro de todas horas,
como un dolor sin sitio.
Si no fueras mujer fueras mi amigo.
A veces quiero hablarte de mujeres
que a un lado tuyo persigo.
Eres como el perdón
y yo soy como tu hijo.
¿Qué buenos ojos tienes cuando estás conmigo?
¡Qué distante te haces y qué ausente
cuando a la soledad te sacrifico!
Dulce como tu nombre, como un higo,
me esperas en tu amor hasta que arribo.
Tú eres como mi casa,
eres como mi muerte, amor mío.
Jaime Sabines
Since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
;will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all the flowers. Don’t cry
-the best gesture of my brain is less than
;your eyelids’ flutter which says
we are for each other:then
laugh,leaning back into my arms
and life’s not a paragraph
And death I think is no parenthesis
E.E. Cummings
Suppose I say summer,
write the word "hummingbird,"
put it in an envelope,
take it down the hill
to the box. When you open
my letter you will recall
those days and how much,
just how much, I love you.
Raymond Carver
"When
You wake up
From death,
You will find yourself
In my arms,
And
I will be
Kissing you,
And
I
Will be crying.
If i should die before you do”
richard brautigan
I died for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.
He questioned softly why I failed?
"For beauty," I replied.
"And I for truth - the two are one;
We brethren are," he said.
And so, as kinsmen met a-night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.
Emily Dickinson
A man said to the universe:
"Sir I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
And then I felt sad because I realized
that once people are broken in certain
ways, they can't be fixed, and this is
something nobody ever tells you
when you are young and it never fails
to surprise you as you grow older,
as you see the people in your life break
one by one. You wonder when your
turn is going to be, or if it's already happened.
~ Douglas Coupland (Life after God)
one, two, three...
If you close the door
the night could last for ever
leave the sunshine out and say 'hello' to never
all the peolple are dancing and they're having such fun
I wish it could happen to me
but if you close the door
I'll never have to see the day again
if you close the door
the night could last for ever
leave the wineglass out
and drink a toast to never
Oh! someday I know someone will look into my eyes
and say 'hello'
you are my very special one
but if you close the door
I'll never have to see the day again
Dark cloudy bars
Shiny Cadillac cars
and the people are in subways and trains
looking grey under rain as they stand disarrayed
all the people look over in the dark
and if you close the door
the night could last for ever
leave the sunshine out and say 'hello' to never
all the peolple are dancing and they're having such fun
I wish it could happen to me
'cause if you close the door
I'll never have to see the day again
I'll never have to see the day again
once more
I'll never have to see the day again
Velvet Underground
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876 comment
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[12 Dec 2007|05:25am] |
just turned 21 today... im about to freak out.
not in a good way.
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876 comment
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| Make your own ringtones for the Upstage or any other samsung. |
[03 Nov 2007|02:32am] |
wow i guess i am kinda wack. for the past hour or so ive been a girl obsessed. obsessed with trying to make good quality free ringtones for this phone i bought a week ago.
anyway so yea there are a couple of sites that tell you how to do it... for example one tells you to convert the file to wam and then qcp... but seriously the ringtones just sound like shit and it's a pretty long process. not even worth it.
so i did some research and found other instructions but just seemed to take a long time. this is the easiest. i think. im thinking this will work with any other samsung.
1. crop the mp3 down to about 25 seconds in audacity - (just hightlight the stuff you dont want and then click on edit and select delete.
download audacity- http://audacity.sourceforge.net/download/
2.and then convert it to wam you can do it here ... just go to um file and then select "export as wam" pretty self-explanatory.
3. import to itunes and convert to .acc ... again very self-explanatory. highlight the song you want and then go to advanced and select "convert selection to acc"
4. upload the file at focus uploader -- http://www.sprintusers.com/focus/index.php
just wait for the text message and just download from your phone.
pretty easy.
best part... it's free. :) for the exception of the charges for using the internet of course.
yea I'm officially a consumerist. =\ i feel as if im slowly being consumed by all this. ;( here i am at 3 am making ringtones for a phone.
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| :)! |
[28 Oct 2007|10:27pm] |
Love in the time of Cholera,
Amor en los tiempos de cólera ...
All I can do now is count the days till Nov. 16th. I'm stoked. Can't wait.
Simply can't wait!
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| Scared of settling. |
[10 Sep 2007|01:00am] |
In about a month I have to apply to wherever I plan on going. I'm considering ucla because if I go to ucsd I'll probably want to stay in the valley and commute. It's so much more convenient for me. I know that if I settle for something really close to home (ucsd) I'll most likely stay in the valley, and I don't want to stay.
I want to get out. I keep wondering what's going to happen to David and I if I do leave to la, but as much I'm trying to make that my concern I just can't seem to make it. I still love him, but I guess I'm prioritizing myself... I'm not sure if that's good or bad. More good than bad I suppose.
Life is uncertain. I'm a wreck, temporarily I hope. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just apply to both and see which one accepts me first, good plan?
i've been wanting to watch a good flick, any good movies out there?
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| eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. |
[20 Aug 2007|01:52am] |
many of us would do this... erase many fractions of our memory, people... events.
is it the most effective solution?
i mean, how will we ever learn from anything?
and erasing the memory of a deceased loved one is most sad, i think
because once we're dead ... our only chances of immortality are living through memories... in dreams... of those who loved us. paperwork and old photographs lingering around through time. stories.
it makes me sad, but the realization of wanting to keep every memory possible dawned on me at the end of the film. i want to keep them. everything. every one of them. regardless of how much i shun them at times, and wish them away.
which is why i spent all my evening reading through old emails and reminiscing. going through photographs. it was beautiful. i arranged a soundtrack of the most memorable songs we shared, and as it played the images and the emails consumed my entire evening.
i realized i need the pain... because it's less painful every time. for instance, there were no tears from my behalf this time.
i feel accomplished, and feeling incredibly wholesome.
but really? do Joel and Clementine end up together at the end? i hope not. it's just not healthy, i think.
stubborn love is destructive and im sure we've all taken part in it.
haven't we?
i can relate so much to Joel and Clementine... so many of us keep doing this ... we keep going back into fucked up relationships.
and while i dont think that its impossible for these relationships to work... i do think that both people have to accept each other's flaws ... instead of denying them and somehow thinking that they'll go away.
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| science of sleep... |
[15 Aug 2007|05:04pm] |
I downloaded Science of Sleep, and I can't help but wonder if Stéphane is schizophrenic.
So Gondry uses "realismo magico", i really like those movies. I was lost until I realized that we're watching the movie through Gael's eyes... I still don't think that the transitions from the real world and the magical slumber world of Stephane were smooth though, but i really did enjoy it. Just like I enjoyed Pan's Labyrinth, and I have to admit that I cried with the ending scene as well as with Pan's Labyrinth. In fact they're very similar... in structure in my view atleast.
I also can't help but relate to this quirky character, Stephane. I act so odd at times, and I often find people in my surroundings trying to make things easier for me. I guess we can't all pretend and conform to normalcy. I do lack social and interaction skills most of the time, and many people in my life have been bothered by that. i dont mind being socially retarded all that much, anymore.
im not sure how gondry tries to portray this character... but i like him... a lot:)
so is the movie appreciative of artsy and unorthodox individuals (and in many ways retarded)... or is it a melancholic view of how pathetic they seem when compared to everyone else, and just a sad realization of how bad they have it? or maybe that's not the point at all hah. maybe im just going on a trip.
class starts monday...
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| España ? |
[10 Aug 2007|03:10pm] |
| [ |
music |
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enrico carusooo |
] |
mmm i hope i am able to get into that internship program after the B.A.
i think spain will be marvelous but maybe ill just find out that everywheres the same. but next summer sd. nothing new i suppose. hum.
Sometimes ... life is okei, well really nice actually.
no romance, and i enjoy it.
i often wonder if romance is just nice in literature and film?
but more than all... why does the reflection of the sun blending and spreading peacefully in the surface of the ocean appeal so much to me??
ehm i want to go the beach:)
I miss the beach, but above all I miss the olden days when I was a child... well some parts of it anyway....
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876 comment
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| feelings first, wisdom and thought secondary. |
[27 Jun 2007|09:14am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
enrico caruso |
] |
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
;will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all the flowers. Don’t cry
-the best gesture of my brain is less than
;your eyelids’ flutter which says
we are for each other:then
laugh,leaning back into my arms
and life’s not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
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876 comment
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[24 May 2007|11:02pm] |
Suppose I say summer,
write the word "hummingbird,"
put it in an envelope,
take it down the hill
to the box. When you open
my letter you will recall
those days and how much,
just how much, I love you.
-Carver
Sometimes when we were kissing I used to think that covering each other's mouths with our own would make us breathe at the same time, and for that second we could be one person and then we wouldnt be alone, I dont know if I think things like that anymore anymore.
recently I've been remembering old thoughts. I don't know why, I think maybe it's because I'm in a very uncertain stage in my life.
I still remember what he tastes like, feels like, and all those pictures that lie around just wont allow me to move on.
There is a constant battle, and I usually find myself engaged in struggles. I dont want to move on, like a child, I'm standing still, stagnant. But then some of my actions, feelings suggest otherwise;
before when I closed my eyes, I would get a vivid visualization of his face, it's slowly fading away and it's fragmented, it scares me. i dont want to forget him.
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876 comment
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[19 Dec 2006|05:45am] |
SABRÁS que no te amo y que te amo
puesto que de dos modos es la vida,
la palabra es un ala del silencio,
el fuego tiene una mitad de frío.
Yo te amo para comenzar a amarte,
para recomenzar el infinito
y para no dejar de amarte nunca:
por eso no te amo todavía.
Te amo y no te amo como si tuviera
en mis manos las llaves de la dicha
y un incierto destino desdichado.
Mi amor tiene dos vidas para amarte.
Por eso te amo cuando no te amo
y por eso te amo cuando te amo.
Pablo Neruda
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[13 Dec 2006|12:16am] |
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ive just had one of the most wonderful evenings
despite my entire body being covered with hives.
do you ever feel overwhelmed with happy thoughts and
incredibly good sensation,
that suddenly you understand what they all talked about
all those years?
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[08 Nov 2006|02:31pm] |
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Attorney: Gonzalez killed her
By BRIANNA LUSK, Staff Writer
Wednesday, June 6, 2007 10:59 PM PDT
Maria Veloz died at the hands of Salvador Gonzalez.
That is one fact that will not be disputed during the trial of Gonzalez, who is charged with first-degree murder in the death of his longtime girlfriend.
Whether Gonzalez premeditated the crime is up for a jury of seven men and five women to decide.
Gonzalez, whose trial began Wednesday in El Centro, has pleaded not guilty to first-degree murder.
During opening statements Defense Attorney Steven Honse said Gonzalez was responsible for Veloz’s death.
“He killed this woman,” Honse said. “He has to pay a price for it.”
Honse said Veloz told Gonzalez she had found someone else just moments after being intimate and that caused Gonzalez to snap.
Imperial County Deputy District Attorney Deborah Owen said Gonzalez is guilty of murder.
The case began last May when the 52-year-old Veloz, a teacher at the Imperial Valley Center for Exceptional Children, was found dead in her boyfriend’s home in the 2000 block of Cross Road near El Centro.
A pathologist concluded Veloz died of blunt force trauma and manual strangulation.
Owen said Gonzalez told a police officer nearly one year before the crime, “Tell her she needs to move or I’m going to kill her.”
Two of Veloz’s children and her son-in-law, who discovered the body, testified Wednesday that Veloz had a restraining order against Gonzalez and the couple were broken up when she was killed.
Honse described the couple as having a passionate and volatile relationship.
Nineteen-year-old Natalie Veloz, who was a senior in high school and lived with her mother at the time, said she returned from her boyfriend’s house around 2 a.m. and noticed her mother’s car was missing.
After she was unable to reach her mother by calling Gonzalez’s cell phone the next day, May 20, 2006, she became worried.
Natalie and her sister Myra Veloz drove to Gonzalez’s residence and found Veloz’s car in the driveway.
Myra called her husband, Juan Molina, to come to the house. Molina testified he knocked on the door and when no one answered, opened the door with a credit card and found the body.
Veloz was wrapped in a blanket face down on the bed, Molina said.
“I told my wife and Natalie ‘I think that’s your mom,’” Molina said.
Veloz was pronounced dead at the scene after law enforcement officials arrived.
Gonzalez had a history of threatening to kill Veloz, Owen said.
El Centro police Officer Alvaro Ramirez testified that nearly a year earlier, on July 11, 2005, officers responded to Veloz’s apartment in regard to a domestic dispute.
Gonzalez left the scene and was pulled over just blocks from Veloz’s apartment. He was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence, Ramirez said.
When he was placed into custody, Ramirez said, Gonzalez made repeated threats to kill his girlfriend and also threatened Ramirez.
“He demanded that I write down that he was going to kill her,” Ramirez said on the stand.
A temporary restraining order was granted by a judge after that incident.
Honse questioned whether Gonzalez was acting irrationally or crazy.
Ramirez said he appeared to be angry and had extreme mood swings. Gonzalez’s own threats against Ramirez, he said, made him uneasy.
“There was something about what he was saying and the way he was saying it, made me feel threatened,” Ramirez said.
Testimony is expected to continue at 9:30 a.m. Friday at the Imperial County Superior Courthouse in El Centro in Dept. 8.
>> Staff Writer Brianna Lusk can be reached at blusk@ivpressonline.com or 337-3439
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| slow, love. |
[04 Oct 2006|02:33pm] |
| [ |
music |
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someone to share my life with -Jens Lekman |
] |
There were some days when i would have arms around my waist and fingers inbetween my own and still by myself,
Kissing cheeks goodbye to go home alone
falling asleep with the radio on because i was so tired of the empty spaces in my room
asking whats missing inside of me
a few days ago i was observing the rays of the sun and how beautifully they blended in the puddles of water
that my momma makes when she waters the backyard.
and it made me realize that you dont have to be inlove to notice those beautiful moments
but being inlove makes you laugh at those sad moments that you know.
and gawking at the flourescent lights
while resting my head on your chest during concerts
or randomly driving to Julian to assemble in our love
are almost as wonderfull as those nights in my bedroom
and there were days when i would wonder if you looked at me the same way
i looked at you,
when we lied in bed.
and i dont wonder anymore.
thank you.
losing you was hard, but you are here now.
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876 comment
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| when we are together, we are free |
[29 Sep 2006|09:32am] |
|
Some chocolate to mend the broken heart. =\
Chocolate Turtle Truffle Torte
( Recipe, Chocolate turtle.. )
It was nice.
The hugs and the holding
Or falling asleep in your arms
Feeling your hand around my waist
The rhythm of your rib cage rising and falling against mine
Kisses on the forehead
Lying in bed and talking, talking and talking
Funny face you would make when I'd speak senseless
When we wake up in the morning and saying lets just go back to sleep
Or whispering to you under the pillows
the feeling.
it was nice.
It was nice to have somebody to sit in my room while I put things away
and then talk a little
Go outside, see the world
Learned about eachother
Learned to share the bed
and yet never learned to forgive
but it was nice.
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| Lentil Soup Recipe and ramblings. |
[18 Aug 2006|01:45pm] |
| [ |
music |
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id rather dance with you than talk with you |
] |
( Recipe: Lentil Soup )
Enjoy.
If I wasnt a complex human being, how could i be categorized as?
and ... does that make any sense?
lately my life consists of kings of convenience and long drives, illogical thoughts and irrational behavior.
but
sometimes kings of convenience makes me understand
that what i do is just fine
and i feel normal, RAARELY.
and maybe juuuust maybe, deep down i just want to conform to the norm, and belong.
doesnt everyone?
(deja vu)
why am i hiding and where am i running to?
at times when we kiss, i feel that we breath for each other and for that moment i feel we become one
i love him
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876 comment
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| Life & a salad. |
[06 Jul 2006|07:16pm] |
( Summer Tomato Salad with Fried Cheese )
Eh, on other completely unrelated aspects of life....hm, sometimes you can get so offended by how others perceive you. when really, foreign observation is most accurate. especially when it is unbiased. pure, and brutally blunt.
i hardly involve myself harboring any thoughts or conclusions about anyone else, maybe because im still figuring out what or who i am. & while others seem to have the capacity to be observant of their surroundings, i find myself too lost journying to find myself. it just doesnt feel right to be so unaware & lost most of the time. but really, who am i? and where the hell am i going? has my lack of religion or dedication to anything made me so utterly susceptible to be perceived as maybe unstable. im beginning to amaze myself with my fluctuating personality once more, and i keep asking myself if ambivalence is that bad after all. am i just demented? dont mind me, im just rambling here, releasing all of this for strangers to devour and exposing myself even more.
in other news; (although no one really reads this anymore.) im starting college in a few months. i wonder if this will introduce some sort of guidance to my life. not that unbridledness is bad right? but sometimes you just have to have order or some path ah i dont know what im saying. i should be sleeping right now.
Hello, where do i go from here?
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876 comment
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| Mushrooms, etc! |
[26 Jun 2006|09:09pm] |
Dinner for the Evening
Enjoy.
UN
Portabello Mushrooms with Garlic and Fresh Herbs
Whole portabello head
garic, minced
Various fresh herbs, minced (I had thyme, oregano and garlic chives on hand)
Olive oil
Sea salt and pepper
Heat over to around 400. Top mushroom with garlic, herbs, salt, pepper and olive oil. Pop in the oven and keep your eye on the little bugger until the mushroom juices come out. voila, c'est fini.
DEUX
Fresh Fava beans with Buttah, baby
Fresh Favas
Butter
Sea salt and pepper
Shell those bastard favas (it's a pain in the neck, but *so* worth it!)...Blanch, then toss with butter, sea salt and pepper. I added a few dripping from the portabello. Yum!
TROIS
Citrus Salad with Fennel (this is from Fran Gage's Bread and Chocolate)
1 Fennel bulb, thinly sliced
1/2 red onion, thinly sliced
2 Meyer lemons, peel, pith, and seeds removed, thinly sliced
Salt and pepper
1 tbsp. Meyer lemon juice
3 tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil
2 blood oranges, peel, pith abd seeds removed, thily sliced
Toss fennel, onion, lemon, salt and pepper with lemon juice, then olive oil. Add oranges last and lightly mix them in, so they don't discolor the rest of the ingredients. serve.
If you can find the ingredients for this salad-- MAKE IT! It is my most favorite.
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| Andrea Giacobbe |
[24 May 2006|11:38pm] |
( Vegan menu )
Any suggestions to modify these to taste better? =\
ANDREA GIACOBBE
"Yacía de medio lado, de cara a la puerta, alumbrada desde el plafondo por una luz que no perdonaba detalle. Me sente a contemplarla desde el borde de la cama con un hechizo de los cinco sentidos. Era morena y tibia. La habían sometido a un regimen de higiene y embellecimiento que no descuidó ni el vello incipiente del pubis. Le habían rizado el cabello y tenía en las uñas de las manos y los pies un esmalte natural, pero la piel del color de la melaza se veía áspera y maltratada. Los senos recíen nacidos parecían todavía de niño varón pero se veían urgidos por una energía secreta a punto de reventar. Lo mejor de su cuerpo eran los pies grandes de pasos sigilosos con dedos largos y sensibles como de otras manos. Estaba ensopada en sudor fosforescente a pesar del ventilador, y el calor se volvía insoportable a medida que avanzaba la noche. Era imposible imaginar cómo era la cara pintorreteada a brocha gorda, la espesa costra de polvos de arroz con dos parches de colorete en las mejillas, las pestañas postizas, las cejas y los párpados como ahumados con negrohumo, y los labios aumentados con un barniz de chocolate. Pero ni los trapos ni los afeites alcanzaban a disimular su carácter: la nariz altiva, las cejas encontradas, los labios intensos. Pense: Un tierno toro de lidia."
memoria de mis putas tristes
also know that the photo and the passage are not meant to complement each other in any way. the passage only demonstrates my fascination with perversity and the photo depicts how i feel towards our dearest commander in chief. (uncomfortable and bothered. thus the excessive perspiration and awkward position.) but i refuse to fall into a convo about politics. im such a dimwit. it's not that important to me anyway. I'm done for the day now.
post script: I decided to post Sunday's menu.
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876 comment
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| agent orange |
[22 May 2006|09:14pm] |
( Cinnamon Apple Chips )
Cancer Sticks; The devil. 
i have no words to describe my current emotional disposition. everything is so dull lately. so blargh.
ive been abusing my lungs again, there is no hope. it seems.
somehow i only find putrid thoughts in this hellish atmosphere as opposed to inspiring poetry in glorious windy weather.
why is the valley such a hellhole, why?
in other news; sexual frustration is guiding me into lunacy. yes, this has to be ended, Immediately.
while its almost too easy to get sex, i guess i have to admit; im ready for a more... meaningfull relationship. No, not an established one. just, well you know, something with more meaning as opposed to those booty calls we all depend on so much. yes.
post script: my hormones are out of control, and im assuming ive already completed my pubescence... which leaves me to only one conclusion: i am a nymphomaniac. ? or this dearth of sexual contact is whats causing this ridiculous craving for so much sex. gosh. it sounds so horrible. but this is my journal, and so what.
post post scriptum: Its funny how i avoided sexual intercourse at all cost when i was living with my ex. ????? sometimes i dont even understand myself.
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876 comment
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| Hello Mr. Zebra |
[14 May 2006|01:07pm] |
( Vegetarian Cheesecake )
As many of you have been informed im decreasing the dosage of nicotine i ingest everyday by decreasing the amount i smoke every day, which has now been reduced to once a day. I boycotted purchase of tobacco, completely too. (only to not have full access to it at all times) Instead now everytime I walk around, I feed my addiction by asking complete strangers. Sometimes more than once, in hopes that the person is not aware of my proclaimed commitment of one smoke a day, but the assurance is always there, and im the type of person that can be good at lying to herself while horrible at lying to others, therefore it all works out fine in my mind, but thats not the issue right now. Besides asking strangers in the streets i prefer asking your typical senial, lonesome man that habitually sits in front of his house in an old chair with tobacco rollies (you know who he is, youve seen him). Ive been joining two in particular, because alongside of free tobacco i receive a good conversation as well. One has a really torn down house. A few days ago he was falling asleep and I photographed the exterior, he has good junk. Its marvelous. He also owns a beaten up truck that reminds me of my granpa's. maybe ill gather enough courage to capture his picture one of these days, im sure he wont be completely pissed off. Anyway, here are some pictures, and now im off.
( Hello Mr.Zebra, Can I have your sweater, 'cos its cold, cold, cold, in my home, home, home. )
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876 comment
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| Car and Sloppy Joes. |
[13 May 2006|03:43pm] |
( Easy Vegetarian Sloppy Joes )
Seeing I was in need of a new car, I directed myself to car agencies, Viewed cars, etc, etc.
Initially I was seeking an affordable car so on.
The sales person insisted on showing me this convertible mustang, i was not too happy because i dont want a 6 cylinder car. Gas is not nearly economic lately. But I drove it from El Centro to Calexico then back and I can say the car appeared perfect for me and I was ready to purchase. To my surprise the insurance on that type of car would amount to 1500 with a down payment of 300 dollars and 4 monthly payments of 300 dollars. Addition to the monthly car payments that would be of 270 everything would amount to 570. :S They suggested I should co-buy with my mum so she could insure it basing on her driving experience and age and so on. Everything would come out more affordable in the end, but I would not ask my mum to help me with money or anything of course. I hesitated for a good 4 days because im not so good at asking my mom for favors, she has so many financial and emotional problems of her own, anyway i did. I involved her in my shit, and now i regret it. You know this is a bullshit conspiracy to make you feel inadequate and useless throughout your life. If youre young, car insurance as well as car payments and countless of other shit will fuck you right in the ass, and once youre old enough to purchase anything at an affordable price you will be too overwhelmed with mental dilemmas humans generally go through once they complete a high percentage of their life, then eventually degenerate into a senile disturbance. Of course thats an exaggeration but come on people!!!!! .... However, in all reality... we dont really need all of this materialism in our lives. I'm just being a disgustingly selfish human being here. & thats basically it. ive been too exhausted and tired to hang around the cyber world, but i care about you guys, you guys know who you are yea! Goodbye.
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876 comment
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| Citadel Of Dreams. |
[28 Apr 2006|07:33pm] |
Something sweet, to sugar coat things up.
( Recipe; Fruit Crisp )
after a dearth of any type of emotional outpour, i finally experienced one today in the morning,
which caused me to come back home from work and mope in my pajamas for the remaining of my friday.
it suddenly dawned on me.
it's funny how suddenly, i miss you for everything you are and stand for.
i somehow will love him eternally eventhough ill try to deny it to everyone including myself.
But honestly, what can be done?
Absolutely Nothing.
It's confusing, it's depressing and in a way forbidden.
somehow these feelings continue to exist in me, and its quite obvious by now that theyre not leaving.
maybe learning how to cope with it is the only thing left to do.
isnt it nice
to wake up in the morning
all alone
and not have to tell somebody
you love them
when you dont love them
anymore
& while thats nice,
it's even better to wake up in the morning, in complete solidity and not have to force someone you adore in entirety to tell you they love you, when they dont love you anymore? yes.
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876 comment
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| im not inlove |
[28 Mar 2006|08:04pm] |
RECIPE;
( Red Enchiladas )
This is a setting where, as a child my grandparents would force me to go every sunday. I would cry and behave ridiculously restless until mass reached its' end, all of my anxiety was reserved for the habitual visit to Consuelo's house after mass, where she offered marvelous tea and delightful coconut cookies with powder sugar sprinkled on top. I would regularly wear long skirts with compromising pockets that enabled me to steal as much cookies as i desired from Consuelo's house. I remember getting caught and being forced to isolatation from the other children for behaving naughty and greedy. Kids looked down on me with scorn that day, so I enjoyed my cookies all by lonesome self & was quite pleased. I was a bad kid but most definitely I was a horrible Catholic, I remember communing in church numerous of times and yet i would attend cathecism to prepare for my first communion, and that would confuse me completely...
( Isnt it wonderful... )
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876 comment
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| sand castles and dreams. |
[18 Feb 2006|09:30pm] |
( Recipe; avacado raisin banana salad )
this abondoned house is located near my house through 3rd street & andrade and my cousin is scared of it because sometimes at night when its really quiet it produces weird noises... i explain to him that stray cats are responsible for the noises but he refuses to understand.
( in submission to this false idol )
im actually not in love at the moment, and it feels wrong, you know?
i wish i was atleast heartbroken or missing someone.
this lack of sentimentalism makes everything so dull and empty.
edit. my sister's hate towards the world is becoming less comical as she grows up.
it really is
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876 comment
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| Life? |
[14 Feb 2006|08:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
somewhat content |
] |
( Vegetarian Jambalaya )
all i see these days are piles of documents with threatening messages.
its so upsetting when all that comes in the mail is antagonistic towards you. (it really is)
... when youre feeling completely lonely yet the phone rings and people that love you are at the other end is not how i want to live... anymore -insert overly confused gesture here-
day after day i continue to ignore phonecalls.
day after day i slowly yet increasingly avoid everyone ... im carefully setting up a lonely future for myself.
i dont mind loneliness that much, but i do mind pushing everyone i love apart from me.
a few months ago i would have conversations with myself... but at the time most of my questions were left unanswered.
why do i tend to feel lonely in a crowded room? or why do i feel like crying at times when all that surrounds me is laughter and glasses?
& usually if i try to find answers to my questions i only introduce myself to new ones in the process.
its so complicated and frustrating to not know yourself well enough to answer questions about yourself to yourself.
im probably just demented.
ohoh...
why am i ridiculously impatient & confusing?
(yesterday i discovered that i might have attention deficit disorder. and it really frightens me.)
because youll usually find me; involved in eternal detached stares at nothingness while "conversing" with others,
having difficulty grasping everyday concepts, or simply just distant and not being able to concentrate on anything.
its very amusing that lately i find starring at inanimate objects for long periods of time more interesting than indulging in a good book or conversing with friends about interesting topics. (and no i havent really smoked pot for the past few weeks)
anyway, if in the future we encounter and start talking, sorry if i space out. or if i act inadequate in any way. but honestly, im happy with my behaviour. i really am. i just dont like pushing those i love away.
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876 comment
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| my names Guadalupe |
[01 Feb 2006|08:42pm] |
( Recipe; Spicy Red Beans & Rice )
I see myself working as a waitress, living in a small apartment with cheap shoes and tacky clothes in a few more years.
(for the rest of my life)
im slowly evolving into the typical lonesome lady that has many pet cats, but i have no house to inherit.
ive only been exposing my body to nasty habits for the past few ...
do you wonder eternally how amazing & overwhelming love feels like?
(for those who dont experience amazingly overwhelming love)
most important: do you ever feel so terribly nostalgic for your childhood that you mope around your house all day with an album full of your childhood pictures & a box full of crafts that you created when you were in preschool?
maybe all of this just means that im starting that new phase in life where instead of adding years to my age when i lie about it, i will most likely subtract some? or maybe how instead of trying to act more mature i will act less mature and act ridiculously improper for my age?
i know im too young for that but everything seems more clear now and im not ready.
i have to start being more creative with my own life before it just wastes away before my own eyes.
for those that go to mejico and cross through the calexico border... heres a photo
(hotel del norte is on your right)
i think it looks way lovely this way
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876 comment
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| we are the poor, we are the poor. and we love scholarships |
[16 Jun 2005|11:56am] |
These past 24hours I've gone from feeling alienated for the past couple of months, to feeling incredibly inspired. I just found out that some of my closest friends have been feeling the EXACT same way that I have been feeling, and thought that it was only me, that it was because I don't talk to anyone anymore except for coworkers, and when I do it's about the most mundane topics. I find myself not being challenged, not being stimulated, and most of all not feeling happy due to the presence of others in my life. I felt as though no one understood what I was going through, no one really wanted to hear about it anymore and no one was interested. I slept 12 hours a day because my dreams were more exciting than my real life, and when I woke up I would have no reason to get up, except for the days when I was required to be at work.
But now, now I see things much more clearly. I see that I am in control of what I want. I see that I will soon be volunteering at Casa Villanueca, I see that I will be taking fantastic photographs, and that I will be reading great books that will not only provide entertainment, but will inspire me, make me see things just as my friends allow me to see things. I am going to focus on me and what I want. I am not going to depend on people and the potential. i will focus on the inevitable.
and although i felt idiotic writing this entry, well... i dont care anymore!
yesterday i saw batman, incredibly gaudy, with cheaply imitative scenes, but arent all superhero movies!
bi
post script:
i dont think i want to attend college, but i probably will. i think it was pointless finishing high school. so why waste time in college!? its just not my thing, you know? I guess the whole tyrannical dictation of what books, historical figures, etc. we must consider and explore just throws me off... ah well.
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876 comment
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| </3 |
[01 Jun 2005|02:43pm] |
ill be back here shortly.
too many things are happening right now for me to sit down and analyze them in here. even though id much rather have an emotional outpouring type lj entry rather than an analytical type lj entry.
oh well.
im the master of avoidance at this point in time.
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|
| Presidential Debate on Fox, today! |
[30 Sep 2004|11:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
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lethargic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mr. zebra -tori amos |
] |
Within thirty seconds any pretense is always unnecessary. A hideous ecstasy of fear and vindictiviness, a desire to kill, to torture, to smash faces in with a sledge hammer, seemed to flow through me like an electric current, turning myself even against my own will into a grimacing, screaming lunatic. And yet the rage that I felt was an abstract, undirected emotion which could be switched from one object to another like the flame of a blowlamp.
-1984
Along the lines of 1984, such words I grew fond of in an instance. Of course, this being my space to record such experiences, no shame is instigated on my part to transact these lovely words onto here. Lacking a verbatim style, surely....
[EDIT]
Addressing myself in the third person at times, apprehension from my part ascends. I fear for my sanity. All at once, I foreshadow mental instability. Likely, the most recent entries of this insufficient, for its author's demands that is, livejournal embrace ramblings dealing with loss of sanity. Of course, confusing myself as I compose this, you are all forgiven if this entire entry fails to make sense to you.
In hopes that this rant will quench the choler I foment in vain, I depart.
your cocaine, sniff me.
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876 comment
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| This Livejournal BLOWS! |
[11 Sep 2004|05:13am] |
|
A pond of uncertainty located in my backyard, is what I'm walking on. (because) I AM MRS. FUCKING JESUS! I fear that this entry will lack interest for you readers, as most of my entries do. The dearth of intimate writing in this livejournal has caused many of you to abondon it, of that I'm sure. I just noticed that my livejournal is a failure, a failure, a failure.
Dear, livejournal, you have no bearing on your creator, your author. Your author is guided by ideals rather than practical considerations, and that you must know. Also, your creator is a bit off, and is full of Bull shit. Livejournal, you can't maintain your author's emotional department, due to issues dealing with trust. What? You expect me to stream out right now? so soon?! I hardly know you at all. I wish I could deliver what I experience at this exact moment, yet it would be impossible to extradite these confined thoughts to you, without giving you excessive EMONESS.
I leave you with this, currently I am insane, temporarily I hope, and I need you, but I don't. Here you have me at 5 in the morning writing at length with excessive digression.
your cocaine, sniff me.
Can you see the entries?
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) madamerebellion
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876 comment
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